I just got this from my father in the mail. I wanted to check the source and find the original publishing. (that's the kind of (limited) anal retentive/OCD person I am).What I found was quite interesting…
When I searched Google for it I found countless (8,110,000) hits. I checked some and found that while some gave John Cleese credit for this very funny bit, many did not give any credit (effectively taking credit for themselves) and none gave the source.
Finally in one blog I found a link to what seems to be John Cleese's Blog but that was last updated a year ago (Zohar just climbed up on my shoulders while I type) so I am left wondering where this very funny bit actually comes from…
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross."
The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.
Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is canceled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
— John Cleese – British writer, actor and tall person
This reminds me of a very old joke.
An American, a Frenchman and an Israeli are captured by cannibals on a not so deserted island. The American is eaten but in a following episode the marines invade the island and American businesses "rebuild" it. The Frenchman feels for the locals, identifies with them and eats himself… When the Israeli is asked for his last request he asks to be hit, hard. After being granted his request he pulls out his immortal Uzi and sprays automatic fire at his would be diners. When asked why he did not do this before he answers that it is Israeli policy never to begin hostilities but only to retaliate.